Most Hilarious Quotes Ever
If you're searching for humorous quotes to drive home a point, add some zest to a presentation, deliver a speech, or simply for personal enjoyment, you've found the perfect spot. Reader's Digest Since our inaugural edition in 1922, we have gathered an array of timeless humor gems and classic quips.
Funny quotes about marriage
1. "Here’s my suggestion for you: tie the knot. Should you happen upon a great spouse, happiness will follow; otherwise, you might just end up as a philosopher." —Socrates
2. "To ensure you always remember your wife's birthday, simply test what happens if you attempt to overlook it even once." —
Aldo Cammarota
Before marrying someone, you should have them test their true character by using a computer with sluggish internet connection. —Will Ferrell
4. "Don’t fault your partner; without their imperfections, they might have chosen someone superior to you." — Jay Trachman
More humorous quotes regarding matrimony
5. "Always resolve conflicts before sleeping. Don’t go to bed angry; instead, address the issue." — Phyllis Diller
Rather than remarrying, I plan to find a woman I dislike and provide her with a home. —Rod Stewart
7. "Every successful man has a woman out of sight, shaking her head." —Jim Carrey
Funny quotes about parenting
8. " Adults constantly inquire of children about their future aspirations as they hope to gain inspiration from them." —Paula Poundstone
9. "An ideal parent is someone who possesses remarkable theories about raising children but has none of their own." —Dave Barry
10. "Simply treat your kids with goodness and kindness. They aren’t just the future of our planet; they’re also the ones who could put you in a retirement facility." —Dennis Miller
11. "As a child, my parents frequently relocated, yet I invariably managed to find them." — Rodney Dangerfield
More humorous quotes regarding parenthood
12. "If you aren't arguing with your children, you probably aren't investing sufficient time with them." —Reese Witherspoon
13. "If your mom asks whether you’d like some guidance, it’s just a ritual. Whether you say yes or no makes no difference; you’ll receive her advice regardless." —Erma Bombeck
14. "Children come with significant costs; I had no idea just how financially strained I was until someone stole my identity last year, which devastated her life." — Kate Davis
15. "I desire for my kids to enjoy all the luxuries I couldn’t manage when they were growing up. Afterward, I wish to live with them." —Phyllis Diller
Funny quotes about families
16. "It appears I've devoted a lifetime to mindlessly repeating phrases like, 'Say thank you. Sit up straight. Use your napkin. Chew with your mouth closed. Don’t lean back in your chair.’ Just as I managed to get my spouse into shape, the children arrived." Erma Bombeck
17. "True family-friendly entertainment doesn’t exist." — Jerry Seinfeld
18. "Travel has two categories: first class and accompanied by children." Robert Benchley
19. "Happiness is having a large, caring, close-knit family in another city." — George Burns
Funny quotes about dogs
20. "Once your kids turn into teenagers, it becomes crucial to own a dog so that at least one living being in the home welcomes you with joy." —Nora Ephron
21. "A dog imparts to a boy lessons of loyalty, determination, and the habit of circling thrice before settling down." —Robert Benchley
22. "If dogs were able to speak, it would considerably reduce the enjoyment of having one." — Andrew A. Rooney
23. "If you believe dogs cannot tally numbers, attempt placing three canine treats in your pocket and provide Fido with just two of them." — Phil Pastoret
Funny quotes about cats
24. "The cat might easily claim the title of man’s best friend yet would never lower itself to acknowledge this fact." —Doug Larson
25. "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." —Jeff Valdez
26. "To keep a balanced viewpoint, someone who has a dog that adores them should also have a cat that pays them little attention." — Peterborough Examiner, Canada
27. "Many millennia ago, felines were revered as deities. They've never forgotten this fact." — Anonymous
Funny quotes about friends
28. "Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our relatives." — Anonymous
29. "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." — Rita Mae Brown
30. "The profound sentiment of friendship is remarkably sweet, consistent, faithful, and long-lasting; it has the potential to endure an entire lifetime, provided it isn’t pressured into lending money." —Mark Twain
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Funny quotes about enemies
31. "Always forgives your adversaries; nothing irritates them as much." — Oscar Wilde
32. " The Bible instructs us to love our neighbors and even our enemies; possibly because these two groups often overlap. —G.K. Chesterton
33. "If you can't outdo them, set up their defeat." — George Carlin
Funny quotes about money
34. "To understand how God views wealth, observe the individuals He has entrusted with it." —Dorothy Parker
35. "When considering borrowing money from a friend, prioritize what you need most." — Addison H. Hallock
36. "Don’t try to match the Joneses. Pull them down to where you are. It’s more economical." — Quentin Crisp
More humorous quotes regarding finances
37. "People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."— Joan Rivers
38. "Anybody who tells you money can't buy happiness never had any." — Samuel L. Jackson
39. "People who hoard wealth aren’t enjoyable to be around, but they turn into excellent forebears." — Tom Snyder
Funny quotes about work
40. "Anybody is capable of accomplishing a certain quantity of tasks, as long as those tasks aren't the ones they're expected to perform at that specific time." — Robert Benchley
41. "I enjoy working; it captivates me. I could watch it for hours on end." —Jerome K. Jerome
42. "It's quite difficult to accomplish doing nothing. You can never be sure when you've completed it." — Leslie Nielsen
More humorous quotes regarding employment
43. "Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?" — Edgar Bergen
44. "Avoid spreading the idea that the world should provide for your livelihood. The world doesn't owe you anything; it existed long before you did." —Mark Twain
45. "What I have always desired is a fair wage for an honest day of labor." — Steve Martin, in the movie Sgt. Bilko.
Ready for another round of laughter? Check out these additional outrageously funny jokes: funny work quotes .
Funny quotes about education
46. "A university degree is among the rare items people will purchase without expecting to receive anything in return." — William Lowe Bryan
47. "I can tell you for sure that algebra doesn’t really exist in everyday life." —Fran Lebowitz
48. "True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country." — Kurt Vonnegut
Funny quotes about aging
49. "The key to remaining youthful lies in living with integrity, eating at a moderate pace, and not revealing your true age." —Lucille Ball
50. "You remain youthful just once. Afterwards, you must come up with another reason for your behavior." — Billy Arthur
51. "By the age of 80, you would have acquired all knowledge; you just need to recall it." — George Burns
When discussing aging, check out some of the most noteworthy points. funny last words ever spoken.
Funny quotes about gossip
52. "Not everything you hear should be believed—but you can still pass it along." —Anonymous
53 . A gossip is someone who generates the smoke that makes others believe there must be a fire. Dan Bennett
54. "The sole thing more undesirable than being discussed is fading into obscurity." —Oscar Wilde
If you're liking these, check out those funny phrases a go too.
Humorous remarks regarding guidance and critique
55. "If kindness isn’t possible, then try being ambiguous at least." — Judith Martin
56. "It's considerably simpler to propose solutions when you're not overly informed about the issue." — Malcolm Forbes
57. "It’s easy for anyone to criticize, condemn, and complain—but most people do it anyway." — Dale Carnegie
Funny quotes about emotions
58. "Others won't be able to upset you unless you allow them to have control." — Mike Bechtle
59. "There are times when you're lying in bed at night with absolutely nothing to fret over. And strangely, this makes me anxious!" —Charlie Brown
60. "
Control your anger. No one else desires it.
" —
Dearborn Independent
Funny quotes about food
61. "If God didn’t mean for us to consume meat, then why did He create animals with edible flesh?" — John Cleese
62. "Don't consume more food than what you can carry." — Miss Piggy
63. When the waitress inquired whether I preferred my pizza sliced into four pieces or eight, I replied, "Just four. I doubt I could manage eight." — Yogi Berra
Funny quotes about drink
64. "It's not true that all chemicals are harmful. For instance, without hydrogen and oxygen, we wouldn’t be able to produce water, which is an essential component of beer." —Dave Barry
65. "I always use wine when cooking. Occasionally, I also incorporate it into the dish itself." — W.C. Fields
66. "Always follow through with what you committed to when you were under the influence. It will teach you to hold your tongue next time." — Ernest Hemingway
Funny quotes about health
67. "Everything I enjoy doing is either unethical, against the law, or adds to my weight." —Alexander Woollcott
Sometime in the future, health enthusiasts will look foolish as they lie sick in hospitals, suffering from ailments caused by nothing significant.
—Redd Fox
69. "Beware of reading health literature too seriously; you might succumb to misinformation." —Mark Twain
Funny quotes about politics
70. "Attempting to keep someone committed to their words when they're passionately infatuated, intoxicated, or seeking public office is futile." —B. Birdsong
71. "Fellows are often spotted with their wives for the first time when they get indicted." — Kin Hubbard
72. "If our Founding Fathers intended for us to be concerned about the rest of the globe, they would not have proclaimed their separation from it." —Stephen Colbert
Funny quotes about success
73. "When initially unsuccessful, persist with attempts; then stop. No point in acting foolishly." — W.C. Fields
74. "Succeeding isn’t sufficient; others have to lose." Gore Vidal
75. "Fortunately, determination can be an excellent replacement for innate ability." — Steve Martin
Funny quotes about happiness
76. "Some bring joy wherever they go; others every time they leave." — Anonymous
"Whoever claimed that money cannot bring joy probably just wasn't aware of the right stores to visit." — Bo Derek
78. "A poor memory is one of the secrets to staying happy." — Rita Mae Brown
Funny quotes about bores
79. "A bore is someone who, whenever you inquire about his well-being, feels compelled to share every detail." —Channing Pollock
80. "She never allows thoughts to disrupt the smooth rhythm of her dialogue." —Jean Webster
81. "He can cram the greatest number of words into the least amount of ideas of anyone I know." —Abraham Lincoln
82. "Once someone starts with 'to make a long story short,' it’s already taken too many words." Don Herold
Funny quotes about egotists
83. "There but for the grace of God, goes God." —Anonymous, commenting on the film director Orson Welles
84. "He is a self-created individual who admires his maker." —Henry Clapp
85. "What I like about egotists is that they only discuss themselves." — Lucille S. Harper
86. "Those who believe they possess all knowledge are quite bothersome to the rest of us who recognize our own gaps in understanding." —Isaac Asimov
Humorous statements regarding optimism and pessimism
87. "An optimist is like someone tumbling down from the Empire State Building, and at the fiftieth floor remarks, 'Well, this isn’t too bad!'" —Anonymous
88. "A delightful aspect of being a pessimist is that you're always either validated or delightfully astonished." —George Will
89. "The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true." — James Branch Cabell
Funny quotes about intelligence
90. "I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde." —Dolly Parton
91. "We utilize only 10% of our brains. Just think about what we might achieve with the remaining 60% engaged." — Ellen DeGeneres
92. "In my view, an intellectual is somebody who can hear the William Tell Overture without associating it with anything particular." Lone Ranger ." —Billy Connolly
93. "When in doubt, appear smart."
—Garrison Keillor
Funny quotes about stupidity
94. "There are two infinites: the cosmos and human foolishness; however, I'm uncertain about the former." — Albert Einstein
95. "Consider how unintelligent the typical person is and acknowledge that more than half are even less intelligent." — George Carlin
96. "User: The term computer experts use for 'fool'." — Dave Barry
"Since foolishness led us into this predicament, how come it can’t lead us out of it?" — Will Rogers
Funny quotes about death
98. "Most research indicates that the top fear for people is public speaking. Coming in second is death itself. So, death holds the second place slot. Is this accurate? It suggests that typically, when attending a funeral, you'd prefer to be inside the coffin rather than delivering the eulogy." —Jerry Seinfeld
99. "I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster." —Shane Richie
100. "Make sure you attend others' funerals; otherwise, they might not show up at your own." — Yogi Berra
Additional research was contributed by Linda Roman and Greg Daugherty.
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