Divorce It’s challenging, but ending things with a narcissistic partner can be particularly traumatizing, according to Rebecca Zung, an American divorce attorney who has become a best-selling writer and authority on narcissism.
Over two decades, Zung has handled numerous high-net-worth, intricate divorce cases and frequently faced off against challenging and exacting adversaries during negotiations.
"It was common for people to describe husbands as 'controlling' or wives as 'crazy,' but recently I noticed an increase in the use of the term 'narcissist' within legal circles and even before judges in court," explains Zung.
Zung embarked on an extensive investigation into the condition, conducting interviews with psychiatrists and psychologists, and devising methods to address it. negotiate with narcissists in her legal practice.
"I chose to incorporate my understanding of narcissism into my cases, and suddenly I began observing progress with these highly challenging, high-conflict individuals — that’s when I realized I had stumbled upon something significant," she explains.
Having previously authored two books on negotiation, she condensed her knowledge into her most recent work. Conquer the Bully: Strategies for Dealing with a Narcissist and Succeeding .
She likewise manages online initiatives focused on negotiation and imparts her insights and expertise to numerous subscribers through her YouTube channel.
Here, she recounts tales from her experience and offers guidance on recognizing and dealing with a breakup involving a narcissist.
Who precisely qualifies as a narcissist?
Narcissism This is a personality disorder characterized by an exaggerated perception of one's own significance along with a deficiency in understanding or caring about the feelings of others.
Beneath everything lies profound feelings of inadequacy and void, along with an insatiable void that cannot be satisfied. Thus, they try to satiate this hunger through something known as "narcissistic supply," which could consist of both individuals and objects.
To numerous individuals, this narcissistic supply revolves around their appearance to society. It could manifest as an extravagant mansion, a prestigious career, wealth, recognition, or associations with esteemed celebrities.
A different manifestation of narcissistic supply involves mistreating individuals—this could entail belittling others to boost one’s own ego, speaking ill of someone when they're not around, or exerting control and manipulation over them.
I've discovered that narcissists will try to safeguard their source of sustenance at nearly all costs during a divorce.
An instance involved my narcissistic client Randy*, who had been married to his wife Lidia* for 18 years. Under Florida state law, this duration qualifies as "long-term," making Lidia potentially eligible for permanent alimony.
We had finally come to an understanding when Lidia’s attorney requested a conversation with me. I prepared myself for a collapsed mediation, leading us back to court. However, he mentioned that Lidia was ready to forego permanent alimony entirely if Randy just offered an apology for all his actions that led to their marital breakdown.
I was stunned. For context, he intended to pay her over $2 million (£1.6 million) spread out over multiple years, an amount she agreed to forego just for an apology. What made it even more astonishing was that my client Randy first declined.
He wasn't willing to acknowledge his mistake, nor did he want to relinquish control over her. I took a deep breath and spoke calmly, "There are millions of partners who would jump at the chance to find themselves in this situation. Therefore, set aside your ego, stand up, go over there, and apologize."
Reluctantly, like a teen being dragged away, he trudged out of the room alongside the mediator. Randy would have preferred to pay substantial alimony rather than apologize. His reasoning was clear: paying alimony would mean continuing to support her financially but retaining some level of control over her life. The situation left him feeling completely deflated.
I've spoken with numerous psychiatrists and psychologists who have indicated that narcissists generally can't undergo significant transformation. This makes it extremely challenging for mental health professionals to provide effective treatment. people with narcissism This stems from the inherent characteristics of the condition. Individuals with narcissism generally do not prefer dwelling on their shortcomings and imperfections.
How common is narcissism?
According to experts, instances of narcissism appear to be increasing. Dr. Jean Twenge, a psychology professor at San Diego State University, examined data from individuals diagnosed with narcissistic tendencies between the 1970s and mid-2000s and discovered a rise of approximately 30 percent in such cases among Americans.
Specialists believe that as much as 15 percent of the global population might suffer from narcissistic personality disorder, exhibit narcissistic characteristics or behaviors, or have other forms of antisocial personality disorders that result in an inability to empathize.
Many experts think the expansion of social platforms is fueling this increase in narcissism.
Social media favors those who constantly showcase their excellence, broadcast every activity they engage in, and focus primarily on themselves.
How to recognize the warning signs of narcissism in a partnership
In marriages involving narcissists, this dynamic frequently begins with "love bombing" — where the individual showers their partner with excessive praise and presents. Such actions trigger a release of dopamine in the recipient’s brain. However, these individuals typically alternate between being highly attentive and less engaged, which can lead their partners to develop an addiction to both the affectionate behavior and the associated dopamine rush, constantly yearning for further displays of care and focus.
However, as time passes, narcissists frequently turn to alternative sources of narcissistic supply, such as infidelity, mistreatment, or viewing their partner as an object.
However, everyone I've talked to has mentioned that with hindsight, there were warning signs which they overlooked. These include numerous subtle indicators of narcissistic behavior such as being inadvertently excluded from an accidental email thread, "joking" remarks about your appearance or eating habits, and receiving promotions despite their apparent lack of genuine happiness for your success.
Or the gaslighting For instance, consider the case where one of my clients discovered that her spouse had planned a trip with his friends for their anniversary weekend. Upon questioning him, he responded, "We talked about it and you were fine with it."
She was aware that this type of discussion had never occurred before, yet he persisted, causing her to question the reliability of her memories.
Things you should absolutely avoid saying to a narcissist.
The initial move when handling a narcissist is to visualize an impenetrable barrier around you and reassure yourself that you won’t tolerate disrespect.
Watch their behavior instead of internalizing it. You might respond with, "I notice that you're feeling upset and angry; perhaps we should revisit this conversation once you've had time to cool off."
React with interest rather than irritation; respond by asking, "Hmm, that's intriguing, what makes you believe that?" Avoid justifying, arguing, defending, or explaining your position.
Ways to Negotiate With a Narcissistic Individual
Initially, do not anticipate reaching an agreeable resolution easily. In the process of negotiating a divorce with a narcissist, it’s crucial to recognize that both parties are not on equal footing.
What you might express is, "All I desire is fairness, and I have no intention of fighting; I prefer resolving this peacefully." However, when the narcissist utters similar words, remember they likely do not mean it genuinely.
Narcissists tend to use underhanded tactics. Imagine this as a physical struggle between two children; they'd be the type to bite, pull hair, or kick you in sensitive areas. Therefore, confronting them head-on isn’t wise.
Here’s an ideal illustration. During my interview with Dr. Joe Vitale, a best-selling author He was wrapping up a two-and-a-half-year divorce at the time, and he mentioned, "This divorce could have been resolved smoothly and without hassle since I essentially presented him with everything – as I was ready to walk away."
What transpired instead was that the 'egotistical' opposing party chose to orchestrate a harassment campaign against both my personal life and my business. This ordeal has proven to be the most agonizing, arduous, emotionally draining, costly, and distressing chapter I have ever endured.
Generous proposals won’t settle things. Instead, the narcissist might treat your tentative offers as binding commitments but fail to deliver anything back to you.
Start with a strategy
Initially, determine your approach. In case of a divorce, imagine the lifestyle you desire. Consider what sort of arrangement you require: would you prefer keeping the house, how much custody time with the children do you seek, are you looking for financial assistance for childcare, clearly define how shared parenting will function—will both of you attend recitals, which one of you will collect them from soccer matches?
Imagine how you want your life to appear in three months, six months, and one year from now. This visualization can provide the motivation needed to stay committed to your objectives.
Utilize their 'ego boost' as leverage
To gain an advantage during negotiations with someone who has narcissistic tendencies, you might consider threatening their narcissistic supply—what I refer to as morally maneuvering the deceiver. In fact, I recall a situation involving a man who served as the CEO of a company listed among the Fortune 200. He believed himself to be the dominant force within his relationship; essentially, he assumed he possessed most of the control.
When his spouse learned about her herpes diagnosis, they also uncovered evidence of him frequenting prostitutes in addition. In Florida, one has the right to call for a jury trial regarding sexually transmitted infections. Such an action could potentially bring into light and publicize matters he wished to keep private. During the mediation process, we informed him that we intended to pursue a jury trial and take depositions from individuals within his organization. As a result, he opted to settle the case instead.
This occurred since we were posing a threat to a type of supply, as well as his reputation—which held greater importance for him than the supplies he received through mistreating his spouse.
It’s helpful to keep track of all communications, financial records and regularly change your passwords. Keeping track of everything will help to catch the narcissist amid their lies and schemes and provide real evidence against them. Mary is a good example. A kind woman in her 60s, she was married to a surgeon who held the patent for a lucrative orthopaedic surgical invention.
Her spouse frequently unjustly accused her of ogling other men in elevators and would subsequently punish her for days with abusive conduct, ranging from mere verbal abuse to more severe actions.
Before she mustered up the courage to depart, she realized things were intolerable much earlier. When she first visited for advice, she embarked on an extended process of amassing various financial records over multiple years. These included bank statements, credit card bills, and tax returns. Periodically, whenever she accumulated more findings, she would swing by my office to deposit them.
While collecting the paperwork, she fortified herself with determination and courage. During the divorce proceedings, she experienced moments of instability and irrationality, compounded by his threats. However, several years after the finalization of the divorce, Mary had transformed. She became more extroverted, engaged socially, grew out her hair, started applying makeup, and radiated self-assurance.
Be cautious of the smear campaign.
To some extent, covert narcissists—who strive to conceal their evident traits—can be the most challenging to handle. These individuals often come across as philanthropists; for instance, they might bring food baskets to hospitals. However, frequently enough, these actions are calculated moves, and they may simultaneously engage in negative propaganda efforts unseen by others.
It is more probable for them to identify as females and portray themselves as victims; they employ tactics of guilt and passive-aggressive behavior. Their statements often include phrases such as, "I am deeply troubled by Fred's drinking problem, fearing its impact on our children, which genuinely concerns me."
They'll sow a seed, and before long, they might say, "Fred has a drinking problem; I warned you about his excessive alcohol consumption months back. I believe we should remove the children from Fred's care as it isn’t safe."
Throughout it all, Fred likely didn’t have any problems with alcohol or wasn't aware of such issues occurring, yet he has been unfairly portrayed as someone who can't properly look after the children.
Avoid falling intovictim mentality; concentrate on boostingyour self-worth instead.
I have always had a fondness for this movie. The Wizard of Oz Looking back now, I realize that the Great and Powerful Oz resembled a narcissist: hiding behind the curtains was just an insecure, frightened small man. Dorothy, the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Cowardly Lion believed that the Wizard possessed infinite knowledge and could grant them every desire they held dear, until they discovered that their true journey lay in finding themselves all along.
By the film's conclusion, Dorothy needs to click her ruby slippers together to discover her path back home and reunite with her authentic self.
So your main priority should be focusing on yourself and build up your self-esteem No one will come to save you. The reinforcements won’t arrive to declare, "you matter." You must accomplish that for yourself.
Concentrating on harmful thoughts like "I can't believe this individual acted this way towards me despite all I've done for them" keeps you trapped in a victim mentality.
Getting trapped in victim mode implies you're unable to enter "confidence mode" or "power mode," which would allow you to effectively negotiate with narcissists, and you certainly cannot adopt the stance of being in "the mode where you move forward with the remainder of your life."
You must maintain an aggressive approach and understand that 100 percent of success hinges on your mental attitude.
Ensure you have strong support surrounding you, contemplate the emotions you wish to experience, and concentrate on fostering those uplifting sentiments.
The greater your self-respect, the more likely the narcissist will retreat.
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