The camaraderie among middle-aged men appears to be facing a critical juncture. From commentators to social scientists and even casual conversations over meals, there seems to be consensus on this issue. It’s widely accepted within our culture that men tend to become increasingly isolated with each passing year—consequences that can affect not only themselves but also those close to them negatively. However, maybe we ought to reconsider framing this observation as an inquiry rather than a fact: Could the bonds between middle-aged men indeed be in turmoil?
Conduct a search on the subject, and you'll come across titles such as "Men’s Friendships aren’t Cutting It!" or “ Men are losing their male companionships, and this might be harming their health. Repeatedly getting those messages might make a man feel down and isolated regarding his life. Alternatively, it could serve as a wake-up call for him to embark on a fresh journey of self-discovery.
According to the Institute for Family Studies Men generally have much lesser practice when it comes to expressing themselves freely regarding emotions, desires, and requirements. These communication abilities often come more naturally to women as they cultivate them within friend groups—a pattern not typically observed among men. Although this observation might hold water (considering your female partners, relatives, and acquaintances and noting their interactions), labeling all men negatively could be an overgeneralization.
Even though there are valid points about the difficulties of establishing fresh or more profound connections among males, particularly when they reach their forties or beyond, a modern type of man recognizes the significance of building substantial relationships with fellow men.
During our late teens and twenties, many young men bond through activities like watching sports, going out for drinks, or engaging in games of cards or pool. These pursuits foster a sense of brotherhood and common memories. Our buddies turn into our close-knit group, supporting one another as we pursue careers, enter relationships, and consider beginning families.
Christian Duerr, who hails from Germany and is an entrepreneur, acknowledges that he didn't prioritize keeping numerous connections from his early days. Despite this, he mentions that his top three male buddies are individuals he befriended during those formative years. "I have a close friend now whom I first encountered at age twelve; we're practically brothers," states Duerr. He continues, "Even though these three dear friends would likely clash if brought into the same space due to their distinct personalities, each holds a special place in my heart."
Duerr is currently a divorced dad of two who has entered into a new relationship. He acknowledges that at sixty years old, he hasn't formed numerous friendships since adulthood. However, he is receptive to connecting with other men who align with his principles, beliefs, and hobbies, particularly as he resides in New York now and his nearest pals live in Europe.
The common belief is that numerous men do not delve deeper into personal growth as they age when surrounded by fellow males. It’s uncommon for them to openly discuss topics like erectile dysfunction or job-related insecurities. American masculinity emphasizes independence, self-reliance, and emotional restraint rather than openness about vulnerabilities or uncertainties.
Our openness towards others is significantly shaped by how we were brought up within our families, as well as influenced by various factors such as societal norms, culture, religion, and ethnicity. It’s common for American males to construct protective barriers around themselves; however, an increasing number of them recognize that this approach can be detrimental to their general psychological health.
It isn't helpful that movies and TV shows frequently portray men and their buddies as "bro" figures engaging in foolish behavior collectively or otherwise embodying tough-guy roles while rescuing the world. Thankfully, several films throughout the years have allowed men to express vulnerability among themselves. Good Will Hunting , The Shawshank Redemption , and Brian’s Song to name a few.
Ask men in their forties and fifties if they have any new guy friends and many will tell you that they only meet other men through the social lives that their wives or partners create. Or maybe they get to know fathers on their kids’ sports teams. Or they’re friendly with men at work as they are building their careers.
However, numerous such connections merely function superficially without genuine emotional substance, often fading away as children mature or when career trajectories start slowing down.
I simply believe that men enjoy having fun and maintaining a lighthearted atmosphere," asserts Kevin O'Malley, a previous hedge fund manager. According to him, this differs from the deep connections women share among themselves. "When serious topics arise, men offer their support and guidance; however, this relationship dynamic is quite distinct from what exists between women, where they play an active role in making almost all decisions concerning one another's lives.
When men reach their fifties and older, they frequently find themselves with decreasing numbers of male companions, potentially resulting in feelings of social isolation, loneliness, and even depression, particularly since people today tend to live significantly longer lives.
Ann Shoket, CEO of TheLi.st, continues her leadership role at the company. did a study The boutique advertising agency Berlin Cameron and the research and strategy firm BSG uncovered that 44 percent of men in corporate positions find "being at work" to be their loneliest experience. Additionally, these men are notably less inclined compared to women to seek assistance from friends when dealing with workplace difficulties.
Based on research from Pew, 27% of males within the age range of fifty to sixty-four find themselves unmarried, whereas this percentage drops slightly to 21% among those who are sixty-five years old and above. Given that lifespans now often reach close to eighty years, numerous men might remain unpartnered for considerable portions of their lives. This underscores the critical role played by strong bonds with friends and communities. However, these trends apply equally to married men as well.
I've observed this within my family as well. Growing up, my dad had numerous close male buddies, mostly colleagues from his workplace. Once he retired, these friendships faded out. It’s hard to recall even a single male companion he still keeps in touch with nowadays. His primary source of companionship now comes mainly from his spouse.
The situation is similar with my brother Matt. As a dad to three adult sons, it’s his spouse Debbie who organizes their social activities.
After messaging my sibling Joe regarding his male acquaintances, I received a reply stating, "I don't have any friends." Being unmarried at age sixty, this answer wasn't particularly surprising. However, he later mentioned having half a dozen close buddies programmed into his quick-dial list. Upon inquiring about the frequency of their meetings, he replied with "rarely."
I’ve been a bit more intentional about cultivating new male friends in midlife—especially those with shared interests such as fellow marathoner, Keith, and hiker, Marty. We didn’t meet each other until I was in my fifties. In 2023, the three of us did the nine-day hike to the Everest Base Camp and ran the Tenzing Hillary Everest marathon down.
There were moments when we felt drained and unwell, yet we found solace in offering one another emotional sustenance. These interactions went beyond what typically occurs during an evening meal together. As a result, this journey sparked profound discussions regarding our existence—our aspirations, apprehensions, desires, and reflections on death. Our bond has become lifelong, allowing us to be completely open without reservation, irrespective of the topic at hand.
Craig Shirley, at the age of sixty-one, used to be the CEO of a semiconductor services firm in Silicon Valley. After getting married and having three children, once his business was acquired, he chose not to pursue regular employment anymore.
"The initial project I embarked upon post-retirement was spending four months rewiring and labeling the data cables beneath my staircase at home. While I enjoy solitary work, I realized that my mental well-being suffered when my wife wasn't organizing our social engagements," he explained.
When Shirley recognized that he lacked genuine male friendships, he resolved to figure out ways to alter this situation. As an enthusiastic rider of motorcycles, he concentrated on locating a community where he could connect over his love for biking. Additionally, he ventured into playing golf, a game he had not previously attempted.
I wasn't really into athletics back in my school days, so I chose to challenge myself in that area despite feeling a bit intimidated," he explains, admitting that his golf skills still have considerable room for improvement.
However, Shirley chose a different path. Instead of merely staying superficial, he began sharing excessively with men he encounters. "I confided in another golfer that I was anxious about starting this new hobby later in life," he explains. "This led to a much deeper bond between us."
What steps can middle-aged men take to overcome their traditional patterns of interaction and form more profound connections with one another? Such breakthroughs frequently occur following significant events such as tragedies, illnesses, or perilous circumstances like combat.
When my buddy Steve faced the end of his marriage at fifty, it pushed him to seek the help he required. Overwhelmed with emotion, he shed tears in my embrace over his heartbreak, leading us into profound discussions about love, grief, sorrow, and what truly matters in life. We had some of our most meaningful talks during that period.
Shirley mentioned that after one of his male friends, who had been diagnosed with cancer, expressed his love for him, Shirley felt moved to reciprocate those feelings. This heartfelt and sincere exchange strengthened their connection.
Sean Galla, self-titled as the Founder and Facilitator, has established MENSGROUP, an online platform designed specifically for men. This community offers specialized support groups addressing various issues such as navigating divorce, coping with infidelity, overcoming pornography addictions, among others. Featuring over 200 sessions each month, members have the flexibility to select topics that best meet their needs.
We've collaborated with countless men, and 92% of them informed us that they lack friends to confide in," states Galla, further noting that "Men haven't been taught how to gather and address their individual problems.
Galla’s gatherings primarily consist of men aged between thirty-five and sixty years old, and they adhere to strict confidentiality guidelines to enable participants to learn how to open up to one another. "The top fear for most men is appearing weak," explains Galla.
Various male-oriented organizations offer distinct methods for support, such as Secret Sons, ManKind Project, and Evryman. Each of these entities aims to facilitate connections among men and foster enduring friendships.
Todd Davis, who is fifty-nine years old, is a prosperous real estate agent serving Laguna Beach and nearby areas. He also co-owns an upscale vacation rental business in Santa Fe. Todd became acquainted with his five closest buddies after reaching the age of forty-five.
Davis mentions that Chris, his male companion of thirty-seven years, is his closest confidant. The rest were people he encountered through his job, including both heterosexual and homosexual individuals. According to him, the subjects of their conversations do not vary significantly regardless of who he’s talking to.
A study referenced in a Psychology Today The article titled "Can Gay and Straight Men Truly Form Friendships?" found that "bromosexual" relationships are flourishing. According to a study involving 350 straight men and 275 gay or bisexual men, most participants reported having at least one friend with a differing sexual orientation.
A number of heterosexual men mentioned engaging in deeper, emotionally open discussions with their homosexual friends, as they perceived these friendships to be safer spaces for such conversations.
Certain individuals claim that male friendships are evolving into more profound connections rather than remaining superficially "bro-like." This shift can be attributed to fathers, uncles, teachers, coaches, and other influential older males setting positive examples. Additionally, media portrayals have played a role in conveying the message that it’s acceptable to seek support from a male friend when needed.
My nephew Andy, a previous member of the marines who served two tours in Iraq and battled through the streets of Fallujah, illustrates a modern approach to fatherhood. He embraces his boys and openly expresses love for them, teaching them that it's perfectly fine to display sensitivity alongside their athleticism and academic pursuits.
Duerr mentioned that he advises his son, who is in his twenties, to cultivate friendships and put in the effort to develop alongside each other. Nurturing a new generation of men who prioritize more than just attending games together isn’t merely beneficial for men themselves; it also positively impacts their families, communities, and society at large.
For individuals navigating midlife, demonstrating to both peers and younger generations that we can forge significant connections with one another could result in various narratives down the line. An article title I would love to read is: "A New Chapter of Midlife Male Friendships Has Begun."
We're all part of this journey together. The experience will be much richer if we advance forward accompanied by additional companions to partake in it with us.
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