A friend recently asked my family and me to join them for dinner. In the heat of the moment, I agreed with a simple "yes." The instant they left, panic set in. Our schedule had been packed all month, leaving us unavailable during weekends. Adding another night would be impossible...yet somehow I consented out of fear of causing offense. Given my experience as an etiquette columnist over many years, one might expect I'd handle such situations differently, but evidently not. how to politely decline an invitation is hard And you likely understand the kind of regret and frustration I experienced, as it’s probable that you have been through something similar yourself.
“One of the most common etiquette rules I observe individuals falter by agreeing with 'yes' or 'perhaps' to an obligation when their true sentiment is 'no,'” states etiquette authority Lisa Mirza Grotts, who established the Golden Rules Gal. "Should you realize upfront that you're unable to fulfill a request, it's wiser to respectfully refuse immediately rather than having to retract your acceptance later or, more problematically, withdraw at short notice.
That fear of hurting the other person’s feelings is very common, but it’s misguided because what it’s really doing is just delaying the hurt feelings, says certified etiquette expert Elaine Swann. “Canceling later will hurt their feelings more because they expected you and then you let them down,” she explains. Moreover, certain actions we take with the belief that they are beneficial can actually be counterproductive. RSVP "no"—similar to providing detailed explanations—can exacerbate the situation.
That’s precisely what occurred. I must admit, I hesitated to contact the lady right away and inform her that I had overlooked my other obligations. The situation was uncomfortable, so I chose not to dwell on it. Instead, I avoided addressing it for an entire week. Then, when she messaged requesting a dessert contribution, I lied and said one of the children had suddenly developed an issue preventing us from attending. Thus, deceit layered upon negligence. Though she responded gracefully, I still felt terrible—particularly since I believe she could see how weak my pretext truly was.
Although we might prefer to claim yes to everything , we just can't handle everything. We reached out to Grotts and Swann, as well as therapist Lia Avellino, to share how to say no The correct approach. Keep reading for their professional advice—and some useful scripts!—to gracefully turn down any invite.
Get Reader’s Digest ’s Read Up newsletter For additional advice on manners, entertainment, housekeeping, journeys, technology, and interesting trivia throughout the week.
Advice for Declining an Invitation
Certainly, various kinds of invites necessitate distinct replies; however, some fundamental guidelines remain consistent across all responses. The crucial point? Ensure you acknowledge the invite. "With digital invites, it's increasingly prevalent to just overlook them," notes Swann, "but avoid doing this as it comes off as extremely impolite." Additionally, reply promptly and always send your RSVP before the specified deadline. Below are further details you should be aware of.
- Sure, I'll make sure to use "I" statements when expressing declinations. It’s more difficult to dispute with and less probable to make the other individual feel bad.
- Concentrate on the good aspects, and show gratitude. Rather than apologizing Grotts mentions that you should express your happiness about being invited. While you can't attend this time, make sure to mention that you're looking forward to seeing them in the future. Don't forget to add your gratitude as well. even if it's not something that would ever catch your attention.
- Tell the truth ... but perhaps not entirely everything. Grotts suggests that simplicity leads to clarity in explanations. Avoid the temptation to provide excessive explanations or numerous details.
- Understand when it’s appropriate to send a text versus make a phone call. A brief message can suffice for declining a happy hour with colleagues, but if you're planning to skip your sister's wedding, you should call her or talk face-to-face instead.
Given this, please find below the different subtleties involved. what to say It depends on the nature of the event you've been invited to and your connection with the individual.
Brief expressions to courteously turn down an offer
“Short and simple works best for most kinds of invitations,” according to Swann. “A one-sentence declination should suffice.” Essentially, all you truly require is to offer thanks For the invitation and your apologies for not being able to make it.
Examples:
- You're very thoughtful for considering me, but I won't be able to attend this time.
- Expressing my apologies with all my affection.
- This seems incredible, but may I postpone it?
- I won’t be around that weekend, however, I genuinely value the invite.
- “It’s so sad to skip this one! We should meet up sometime soon, though.”
- “I’m really disappointed about missing your party, but I’m excited to check out the photos later.”
- I can't make it, but know that I'm sending you all my love from far away.
- I apologize for not being able to attend, but thank you for considering me.
- I'm not feeling well, so I believe it would be better for everybody if I remain at home.
- Thank you for inviting me, but I can't make it. I wish you all an amazing time!
- I really dislike having to refuse, but that day happens to be my wedding anniversary. Thank you for the invitation, though!
How to politely decline an invitation to a casual get-together
When invited to a laid-back gathering such as a girls' night out, brunch, friend's date night, or happy hour, remember to respond, though your reply should remain concise and upbeat, advises Grotts. Additionally, bear in mind that any declination message might circulate among the others, warns she; therefore, avoid sharing private information. Below are some ways to handle this delicately without resorting strictly to quick replies.
Examples:
- Thank you a lot for inviting me to your girls' night out! Unfortunately, I can't join this round, but please do let me know next time you plan something.
- Happy hour seems really enjoyable, but I'm tied up then. Please say hello to everyone for me!
- You're very kind to consider me for brunch, but I'm tied up this weekend. It would be great to do it at some point down the line.
- Game nights are my favorite, however, I must sit this one out. Enjoy yourselves, and please tell everyone I'm still the undisputed champion of Scrabble!
Ways to Politely Turn Down an Invitation to a Party
When it comes to everything from cuisine to decorations to amusement, hosting parties requires significant effort and financial investment; thus, consider this before confirming your attendance advises Grottos. Regardless of whether it’s an extravagant birthday bash or another event, always aim to be punctual and courteous. casual summer barbecue However, if you frequently turn down invites from someone specific, it could be worth reassessing that connection, observes Avellino.
Examples:
- Happy birthday, Bob! Turning fifty is quite an achievement! Sadly, I can't join your celebration this time around, but please know I'll be with you in my thoughts.
- Thanks a bunch for including me in your holiday bash—your thoughtfulness truly warms my heart! Unfortunately, I have prior commitments that night, but I would enjoy catching up with you post-holidays.
- “A number of cherished moments come from your summertime cookouts, and although I'm disappointed about missing out on this one, I am excited for the opportunity to create even more enjoyable experiences with you down the road.”
- “Your New Year’s Eve party It sounds like a lot of fun! Thanks for the invite, but I’m already booked that night. Maybe next year we can celebrate New Year’s Eve together!
Ways to Politely Turn Down an Invitation for a Work Event
Work events stand out since they're more than just social gatherings; thus, you ought to be particularly cautious when composing your message. As Swann recommends, "Stay succinct, maintain professionalism, and show warmth." Avoid disclosing too many personal aspects, which can often be one of the primary pitfalls. bad work habits That might cause others to view you as unprofessional.
Examples:
- Our team has put in a lot of effort, and unwinding with some drinks and karaoke seems like an excellent idea. Unfortunately, I can’t join this round since I have prior family obligations, but I’m really excited to hear all about it later.
- The recurring office potluck is an excellent opportunity to connect with everybody, and I'm really disappointed about missing out this round. Could you please inform me if assistance is needed for arranging upcoming gatherings?
- I'm incredibly thankful for being invited to this year's charity gala—it truly feels like an honor! Unfortunately, I'll be away on the scheduled date, but kindly accept my donation towards the cause.
- Thank you very much for including me in the annual employee dinner at the end of the year, but unfortunately, I won’t be able to attend this time around because of prior obligations.
Ways to Politely Turn Down an Invitation for a Family Gathering
Turning down an invite for a family gathering, such as a child’s birthday party or a milestone anniversary Party situations can seem like the most challenging scenarios to handle. "The main thing is to concentrate on making connections," suggests Avellino. "Make sure they understand that your bond with them holds significant value for you."
Examples:
- Thanks so much for organizing Grandma and Grandpa’s anniversary celebration! Though I'll be sending my best wishes remotely, I'd really enjoy joining via FaceTime if that works.
- Jack’s 8th birthday party promises to be tons of fun, however, because of some health issues, I won't be able to attend. It was not an easy choice to make, and I truly appreciate your kindness and support. I’ve got a gift for Jack which I will drop off shortly. Please give him a huge hug from me. Love you both!
- The family gathering this summer promises to be amazing! Sadly, we're already committed for that weekend. It’s really disappointing to skip it since we enjoy being around everyone, so let's plan another meetup asap!
- Having family dinners is always such a delightful experience, but we'll feel particularly disappointed about missing out this month. Thanks for inviting us anyway, and we're looking forward to catching up with everyone at the following gathering.
How to politely decline an invitation to a bridal shower or baby shower
Swann points out that this scenario typically necessitates something beyond a straightforward "no thanks." You might consider sending an email instead. baby gift Or at minimum, make a phone call and extend your sincere apologies. congratulations .
Examples:
- I'm thrilled about your upcoming wedding, and I have no doubt you'll look absolutely stunning as the bride. Unfortunately, I can't attend your bridal shower because of another engagement, but how about grabbing a coffee the following week? I'd really like to hear everything about it.
- Thank you immensely for including me in your baby shower. Infants truly are an amazing blessing, and I'm thrilled for your expanding family. Kindly receive this present along with my most heartfelt congrats.
- I'm deeply saddened to skip your baby shower, but I'll be sure to give you a call upon my return. It would mean so much to me if we could plan a future outing to browse for adorable infant clothes.
- Congratulations on your impending wedding! It pains me that I won't be able to attend your bridal shower, but I send my very best wishes for now and always.
How to politely decline an invitation to a wedding
Many individuals do not extend a wedding invitation unless they share a significant bond—thus, it's crucial to acknowledge this relationship when responding, according to Grotts. Express gratitude for the honor of being invited, highlight their importance to you, and convey sincere sentiments. wedding wishes It’s also always a kind gesture to send a wedding gift even if you're unable to attend the wedding.
Examples:
- I hope you find endless joy and happiness in your forthcoming marriage. It signifies greatly to me that you included me in this extraordinary milestone of your lives! Though I can't join you personally at the ceremony, I trust you will appreciate this present.
- "I was really thrilled to see your wedding invitation —You two make such a stunning pair! Even though we can't join your celebration personally, please know that we are sending our love to you from far away."
- It’s truly an honor to receive this invitation for your special day, and I wish you all the love and happiness imaginable (with ideal weather too)! Although we won’t be able to attend the ceremony, please remember that you hold a cherished place in our thoughts forever.
- We extend our heartfelt apologies since we won't be able to make it to your wedding. Wishing you both a day and a lifetime filled with happiness and love.
How to politely refuse an invitation
You've probably experienced both sides of a poorly handled RSVP, making you aware of how uncomfortable it can be. "It's important to take some additional time and consideration when declining an invitation since the person inviting you took a small risk by extending the offer," Swann notes. Things to steer clear of mainly involve:
- Overexplaining: “As Avellino puts it, ‘Elaborating excessively isn’t really about helping them; it’s more about shielding yourself.’ You’re essentially fortifying your position so that no one can get upset with you.” However, the key point is: No one demands an explanation from you. Moreover, this might just create an uncomfortable situation.
- Making excuses: Much like with over-explanation, individuals frequently think they require a "justifiable" reason to decline an invitation. However, offering excuses might lead the other party to attempt resolving the problem or altering circumstances to suit your needs—which can create an awkward scenario for both parties involved, as Swann points out.
- Responding too quickly: You aim to reply promptly, yet you also wish to appear as though you've spent some time attempting to address the issue effectively.
Below are some instances of how not to decline an invitation because they’re overly brief, excessively lengthy, unnecessarily blunt, or share far too much information than needed:
- “No thanks.”
- I've got countless tasks lined up, and I'm not equipped to handle anything extra at this moment.
- Could I share that with you afterwards? I'm awaiting news about whether Annie will be hosting her birthday celebration that weekend.
- You're aware that I dislike parties—I struggle with social anxiety.
- I'm suffering from severe diarrhea and haven't been able to move more than five feet away from the bathroom. I believe it’s because of all the Taco Bell.
- I won't be able to make it unless you can provide transportation and cover my meal expenses.
- I'd really like to make it happen, but Matt needs to attend his knitting class that evening, Gia’s got her MMA training session—I mentioned before how she dreams of becoming a spy someday—and you’re aware of Tony's tendency to travel frequently without helping with the children. Additionally, hiring babysitters comes at such high costs nowadays; did you check their prices recently? Also, our dog might end up vomiting on the carpets as usual. By the way, have I shared my struggles with sleeplessness lately? My nights have been restless due to what may likely be early menopausal symptoms—quite daunting! Yet, despite everything, your affection means the world to me and would surely join you were it not for this massive workload looming ahead. To top things off, my boss isn’t too pleased after missing an important deadline because poor little Gia was down with influenza just last week…
Admit it (between laughs)—you know people who do all of these things. Hopefully you’re not one of them!
How to make amends if needed
Inevitably, people may feel wounded emotions, particularly around social gatherings. Rather than striving for an impossible standard where nobody experiences hurt feelings—which isn’t feasible anyway—concentrate on sustaining relationships and staying aligned with your principles. As Swann advises, "Should you realize someone is distressed, do not sidestep the discussion. Inquire about their emotional state and aim at mending the bond."
Even though you shouldn't feel the need to apologize for setting limits on how you spend your time, you can still assure the other individual that their well-being matters to you and holds significance. Ultimately, after everything is said and done, these connections are precisely what invitations revolve around.
About the experts
|
Why trust us
Reader’s Digest Has released numerous etiquette narratives designed to assist readers in mastering communication amid evolving norms. Our coverage frequently includes guidelines for crafting suitable messages for various occasions, examining manners that might not be as courteous as initially thought, along with insights into email and texting decorum, workplace etiquettes, tips for proper gratuity, travel courtesies, and additional subjects. Dedicated to delivering top-notch material, we collaborate closely with knowledgeable authors seasoned in these areas, alongside consultations from pertinent specialists. Drawing upon credible primary references like governmental bodies, recognized associations, educational establishments, and leveraging the practical experiences of our contributors when fitting, we ensure accuracy and relevance. In this article about gracefully refusing invitations, Charlotte Hilton Andersen leveraged her extensive background as a veteran reporter focusing specifically on matters of politesse and correspondence. Reader’s Digest Next, Jacqueline Whitmore, an esteemed professional with over three decades of expertise in business etiquette and hospitality consulting, who runs the Protocol School of Palm Beach, conducted a thorough examination to guarantee the accuracy of the information and provide readers with the most valuable guidance. Read more about our approach here. team , our contributors and ourselves editorial policies .
Sources:
- Elaine Swann certified etiquette expert and founder of the Swann School of Protocol; telephone interview, September 26, 2024
- Lia Avellino LCSW, psychotherapist, and CEO of the Brooklyn-based emotional well-being center Spoke; conducted via telephone in January 2023
- Lisa Mirza Grotts etiquette specialist and creator of the Golden Rules Gal; telephone interview, January 2023
Post a Comment