Almost all parents will find themselves losing their cool with their children at times, suggesting that some amount of raised voices may be unavoidable.
It holds true even for parenting gurus such as Becky Kennedy, a child psychologist from Columbia University and the creator of the parenting podcast titled "Good Inside." Despite having three children herself, Kennedy confesses that she too experiences moments of frustration severe enough to lead her to yell at them—often triggered by delays during their morning routine, like dawdling over dressing up which makes her tardy for her job.
"At times we reach a peak moment when, as parents, [and] I experience this myself. I end up yelling and screaming at my child: ‘What’s wrong with you? You never follow what I say.’... Or perhaps, ‘You’re incredibly self-centered. You’ll cause me to be late. You transform me into a beast. Why couldn’t you hear me the first time?’" Kennedy shared during his conversation with entrepreneur Tim Ferriss. episode of his podcast "The Tim Ferriss Show" episode that was released just last month.
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Shouting occasionally might be forgivable, according to Kennedy, yet such eruptions can have long-lasting negative effects Young children might interpret a temporary parental tantrum as a significant and lasting issue. Additionally, the shame and guilt parents experience following an episode of shouting may result in anxiety, which could trigger further episodes in the future, according to psychologist Emily Edlynn. wrote In Psychology Today previously year.
This is precisely why mothers and fathers should promptly offer an apology, identifying the emotions that led them to lose control, as per Kennedy. She refers to this procedure as "repair." Its purpose is to reassure children—making sure they understand that their parents' anger doesn’t diminish their affection for them—and to demonstrate healthy, accountable conduct.
“I’m owning up to my actions,” stated Kennedy. “I’m providing my child with an explanation of what occurred and discussing how I’d handle things differently next time.”
How to make amends after raising your voice
Kennedy provided an illustration of how "repair" might appear: "I want to mention something about our interaction earlier; I yelled at you, which was likely frightening for you. Additionally, please remember that whenever I raise my voice, it’s not because of anything you did but rather due to me losing control momentarily. I am making efforts to stay calm—so even when I’m upset, I aim to speak with a gentler tone. I apologize."
She mentioned that informing children that your shouting should never be blamed on them doesn’t excuse them from engaging in improper or rude conduct. Rather, this approach serves as a means to instruct them that they aren't accountable for another person’s behaviors, whether positive or negative.
"I get frustrated when my child isn’t listening and the morning gets pushed back,” explained Kennedy, continuing with “saying something like ‘You force me to raise my voice; you transform me into a beast’ essentially makes your kid accountable for your ability to handle your emotions.”
Parents inclined towards sudden outbursts should try identifying what sparks their irritation, allowing them to pause and compose themselves before raising their voice, as suggested by Kennedy. It’s also advised that parents inform their children something like: "I’m feeling irritated now. Let me take some deep breaths and a short break; I’ll return shortly," she explained.
Controlling your emotions around your kids might be challenging, yet exerting greater command over them during tough moments proves to be highly beneficial in the end. Barnard College child psychologist Tovah Klein told Pawonation.comMake It last year.
"Even when it was incredibly difficult, what makes me proudest are those instances where I managed to remind myself, ‘I have to be the grown-up in the situation,’" stated Klein.
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